the penguins

this annoying white hipster got in my cab tonite and said a really sad that he thought was funny story about migrating geese who cant land in illinois this year because they usually land in the lakes and the lakes are all frozen. So their chubby goose bodies are suspended in the air above the land not knowing what to do. ahhh global warming i say casually. and this idiot has the nerve to say 'there has always been climate change throughout history, you cant say its from us.'

whats it from? the penguins? jesus! how can people walk through western civilization (if you can call it that) and not see what its doing? But fascinating to witness the blinders people are wearing, isnt it?

one in the pinky and one in the stinky

these two hot asian fags got in my cab towards the end of my shift, after j-- had cut me off and stolen my fare (all in good fun, right?). i had rolled down my window and screamed 'i have your number!' a couple times at her and scooted over to the two faggots with their arms out. they jumped in and asked who that was that i was talking to. 'my girlfriend' 'oooh your a dyke?' 'what do you do?' 'what do i do?' 'what do you do in bed?' 'ummm' 'double dildos? eat pussy every night?' 'is that what everybody thinks when they think of what dykes do?' 'what do you do then? i want to hear about the roast beef slapping' 'um i am shy' 'come one tell us!' 'oh you know, she fists me, that sort of thing' 'NO!' they shreaked. 'Look at me.' one of them said and i turned around and looked in his face 'oh yeah shes been fisted' he said 'i have too!' he said. 'i have never been fisted in the ass though, that sounds interesting.' i said to him. 'you like one in the pinky and one in the stinky?' the other one asked 'sure' 'ooh i would if i could, gimme three in the pinky and one in the stinky no thats not enough gimme four in the pinky and two in the stinky.'

'do you want to have kids?' one of them asked.

'naah theres enough people on the planet'
'dont you want to see what it would look like if you had a baby'
'i am not that narcissistic' i answered. 'Anyway, its mean to the kid in my opinion, what kind of life is it going to be living in forty years? dont you think the planet is going to be a much worse place? if san francisco is even here, we are gonna be in the middle of a water war'

he was very quiet after that about kids. i mean, isnt that why we are gay in the first place? population control darling.

young elderly lady

I pulled up to the UCSF medical center last night and amid the chaos a big burly guy flagged me and then creening his neck into my window said 'i have a young elderly lady coming out for you.'

'young elderly lady, how does that work?'

'well shes about 3 foot 1'
not sure how that makes her young, but whatever. this little i swear she was that small, lady came out with her walker, talking in a gravely edith massey voice, she slowly got into the front and asked me to deal with her rolley thing (walker). when the guy left she said to me, 'I don't know who that guy was, I think he was just hanging out at the hospital waiting room because he has nothing better to do on a Wednesday night'

Jesus Freak Tease

I was not the only cab driver this slow January Saturday night to be fooled by the family of ladies at the entrance to Golden Gate Park off Stanyan tonight. They stood there, on the edge of the road, one with a white scarf she twirled to and fro. Damn I get to just pick up and avoid Haight street, more than one of us thought as we pulled over and noticed their ecstatic smiles, energetic dancing and picket signs smattered with the likes of JESUS LOVES YOU, etc.

j-- flipped them off and screamed "Sheep!" at them.

I was not so angry, just gasped in amazement and went on my way.

Death through Botox

I heard the craziest story in the back of my cab last night - this very nice and polite mid-twenties red faced yuppy girl got in just wearing a long sleeved black and white dress, white heels. She looked like she might have just fought with her boyfriend - that kind of chaotic sadness. She was a GPS call, picked her up in the upper panhandle, and took her to a bar in North Beach. She was on the phone almost the whole time talking about how she would make out with a guy if she saw Steven but he would have to be cute, she wouldnt just make out with a dog, then she talked about girls at work, and that one of them has had a really hard life, and her dad was in jail, and how she really wanted to tell her about her dad, but she didn't. It turns out during the course of this conversation that her father was a plastic surgeon that performed a botched botox and his patient died, and now he is in jail. Its so messed up, she said, imagine going from making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to making zero! She never mentioned what it must be like to be in jail. Or to have killed someone through plastic surgery - although its not really plastic surgery is it? Then she said its 'karma' for being such a selfish bastard. It turns out he has had a hidden wife and two daughters her whole life who she has never met. I think thats really common among the rich. You would have to have a lot of money to have more than one family doesnt it seem like?

I got this great numerology reading from this guy I picked up on Van Ness and Market with a long sleeved t-shirt on his head. Not little edie style at all, just loose and casual with one of the sleeves just hanging off to one side over the shirt he was wearing. I asked how he was doing and he answered 'challenged'. I said 'that sounds important' 'life brings changes and changes are hard - this isnt supposed to be my seven year this is supposed to be my nine year - are you into numerology?' 'well i dont know that much about it, but i did choose my cab today on the number - 231' '2 plus 3 plus 1 is 6, that symbolises teaching, nurturing, harmony'.

That sounded like a great combination for a low-maintenance cab. He told me a bit and that about him and his convoluted (to my ears) it sounded like saturn returns to me. He doens't know very much about astrology he told me. His friend gave him a birthday card with some numbers one year and he has been reading books about it ever since. He told me that according to my birthday I am a five which represents freedom thats what i live for and I create alternative ways of living so that i can achieve that, also that i need to be careful of that, i can be easily addicted to the world and whats in it. That this is my year to do something new and be successful at it.

I felt like I should tip him.

My fun before work saturday - check it out: beachimpeach

another dorky action that feels futile but its better than sitting at home and fretting about the state of the world I guess.

It was put on by a fellow San Francisco Cab driver.

I dragged my mom to it. Its probably the first even sort of mellow beach action she has been a part of for a very long time. The people we layed next to were two very elderly ladies in chairs that were smiling and laughing a lot. A very involved middle class lady and her teenage son that was really into it even though he sat shyly on his hands the whole time. An older hippy mom who was at another rally at Ocean Beach many years ago when Nixon was inaugerated. Her mom had dragged her their. And she had always dragged her kids to rallies. They are too old to drag to anything anymore.

Drunken Zombies Arms Outstretched

Aah New Years eve - Its all like a crazy dream. I felt like I was in a video game - imagine hoards of drunk zombies arms outstretched running towards you screaming. In my two years driving I have never been so busy in one shift.

I tried so hard to take care of myself, went to yoga that morning, brought some food and water and still by the eighth or ninth hour I was screaming "c'mon bitches get in" and "get the fuck out of my way old lady! "

Even out in the most residential neighborhoods, there were people on every block screeching, crying 'take me take me'. J-- had a young drunk teenager moon her for not picking him up, and I had countless barbies and kens pounding on my hood and jumping in front of my car.

My favorite fare of the night was the fabulous African American queen in a white three piece suit that I picked up at midnight oh two. He had just done a James Brown tribute at Marlenas (my local gay bar) and I was blasting disco - he gave me a high five and asked if he was my first fare of 2007. "yes Queen, you are!" and we just screamed and hooted and hollered all the way to the Castro out the windows as I pondered the auspiciousness of my first fare of the year.

Never can tell

Well Christmas has come and gone, and I spent most of that day watching movies and eating Chinese food like any good Jewish girl.

Couldn't bear to work that day - in fact the holidays just make me want to crawl under a rock mostly. Finally got to work on Wednesday, and my what a slow shift. A few months ago an old timer at the yard told me you can eat the bear or the bear can eat you, you got to quit before the bear eats you - and thats sure what Wednesday was like. I finally turned in with half of my body undevoured.

Thursday on the other hand was quite busy and my first fare was this fabulous fat lady and her petite mother. I picked them up at Lane Bryant on 16th and Potrero they were really upset because they had taken a cab out there and it was so small - 'small as a hallmark store' she kept saying - I was wondering of she meant a postage stamp. "The clerk should have told me not to bother coming down there when I asked for directions". I wondered if that was something she might not have learned in employee training. They asked me some of the usual questions, 'is it dangerous to drive a cab?' 'are you cautious when you pick up?' 'its kind of hard to be cautious because its difficult to judge character based on appearance - people constantly surprise me'

She agreed and proceeded to tell me this gruesome story about her mom who owns a jewelry store and two Jehovahs Witnesses came in, blond hair, khakis and were very polite, next thing you know they had her tied up blindfolded and were emptying her safe after they cracked her over the head with a gun. Never can tell.

Things to think about during a ten hour work shift.

Its true though, when people ask me if I avoid certain neighborhoods, I tend to answer with the most wealthy affluent ones, thats where the customers are the rudest, most entitled, and they only go three blocks! We call it the Marina Triangle, because you can get stuck there for hours driving yuppies three blocks one way and then three blocks the other.

Wish me luck, tommorrow I drive my first New Years eve shift, and then I leave town for a few days if you dont hear from me, have a fabulous New Years eve and a restful New Years day!